Now entering Phase 2

After consuming massive amount of sage I am happy (?) to report that the production of milk has slowed. I was thinking about how great nursing was for both of us. It was my answer to everything, illness, comfort, sleeping, depression (er... this is me I am talking about here!). But then I starting to think about what comes after nursing? I've decided phase two is the 'mothering' phase. No longer can I rely on the old standby to problem solve, I actually have to take a proactive approach to mothering. And by that I mean aside from lifting up my shirt. On the plus side we did enjoy our first morning cuddle today.

Ode to Cabbage

You expected this to be some kind of pseudo-Irish celebration of the wonderful leafy green didn't you? Just a quick post to say my daughter and my mammaries have parted ways. After returning home from Krakow the little pet didn't even care about them, well that is to say not until 3 in the morning when she awoke, fussed a bit and then tried to pull my cardigan open saying in the sweetest, most precious voice- 'That?" I nearly crumbled but figured we had gone nearly 5 days. By this evening we will be 7 days into the weaning process. I am sitting in my office right now hoping that no one sees me adjusting the cabbage leaves down my bra. Yesterday on the bus I swear girl next to me could smell my sweaty leaves. My doctor laughed hysterically when I took off my bra and asked me if they really work. I think the jury is still out on that one. But at this stage I am doing everything I can - peppermint tea, pain killers, hot compresses...I have, incidentally, consumed nearly half a bottle of dried sage per kellymom.com's advice. Swallowing handfuls of sage with barely any water has been interesting to say the least. Here's hoping mastitis is not in the cards.

Sleep - is it a myth?

4.55 am. Yes you read correctly - 4.55 AM. That is the time that my sweet, darling daughter decided to wake up. I dragged myself out of bed with new purpose. I would nurse her in her own room and see could I get her back to bed. Usually waving the ol boobies around is enough to get her eyes rolling back in her head for sweet slumber. Unfortunately it was not the case this morning. No matter how long I rocked her, nursed her and rubbed her back, she just would not close those sparkling blue eyes. She even tried to put her foot in my mouth. I just can't fathom how someone so little can have so much energy. I let 'rad dad' (that's what he wants me to tell you we call him - correction what he has named himself) get up with her at 6 and take her downstairs for some 'daddy/daughter' time, while I had a nice lie in until 8. Gone are the days of my wild youth, where I partied until 4.55am. Now I gladly will go to bed at 10 if I can even keep my eyes open that late.

Second Thoughts?

I am feeling pretty low right now. Like I have said previously I am considering weaning. In this situation the internet is either my best friend or my biggest foe. First I decided to visit my breastfeeding discussion board. Of course I love offering my opinion on anything and everything. Then I realised that I might not be able to read the discussion board after I wean. I think it might be too difficult for me to read about moms breastfeeding and loving it without being able to feed my baby. To take my mind off this I googled weaning. Well that was a big mistake. I came across a post from a mother who recently weaned a two year old. She described intense feelings of depression, anger and unexplainable sadness. I cried my eyes out when reading this. Of course this leads me to the natural conclusion that I am not ready. 

Portrait of the artist as a nursing mother?

Oh great! I have just realised that if I plan on weaning I have to get back to my art making, and fast! You see, I had previously worked on a series of paintings that related to the experience of pregnancy. In August 2008 I participated in 'A Womb of One's Own' an exhibition that was part of the Le Cheile Festival in Oldcastle, Co. Meath. 

1. Artist and Daughter at exhibition (before I lost baby weight!) 2. Daughter and Aunt with erie hanging wombs.

I have always wanted to dabble in performance/video/installation (convenient since I am researching in that area right? I believe in cross fertilization - no pun intended) I definitely want to documenting the breastfeeding experience in some way. Now if I am planning to wean cupcake, we have limited time to get photographing. The trouble is I am not really sure exactly what I have in mind but I would like to do it when she is relaxed (i.e. sleepy) rather than when she is acting like the suckling acrobat.

The End of an Era

My 30th birthday will quickly be arriving at the end of the month. Hard to believe, seeing as how the other day someone guessed I couldn't be older than 19-20. Hmmm, I think not, but thanks for the compliment? We are sojourning to Krakow, home of my ancestors. I am very excited but feeling a little sad. You see cupcake will be staying behind at her Nana's house. Yes I will miss her but even more than the physical distance, this trip marks a change in the air for us. 

I am thinking about weaning. I have actually been thinking about it for the last two months. But I have never been able to make a decision. Every time I think about it I feel like I am depriving her, or myself, or both of us. But then every morning my little cupcake awakes at 5 and I indulge her in her ONE HOUR feeding frenzy which includes nursing upside down and switching rapidly from side to side like a kid in a candy store. Throw in a bit of biting (this morning she actually laughed when I gasped - oh so now mommy's pain is funny?) God help me if I try to pull my shirt down or cover myself. She beats her little palms against my chest and sometimes kicks me if Daddy tries to pull her away. I am guilty, I have done nothing to stop this behavior, nothing at all. I just cannot bring myself to get out of bed and greet the day at 5 am. I would sleep until 12 if I could.

Going to Krakow seems like the perfect opportunity to go cold turkey. I will be away for 4 morning nursing sessions and lets face it, the morning time session is going to be the hardest right? I think I am going to do it. Yes I am going to do it. Why then do I feel so sad? We have gone  13 months - wow 13 whole months and we have had our ups and downs. But I have loved every minute of it.

Psychoanalyst Melanie Klein and my breastfed baby...

Yesterday I was in the library looking up some information on memory for a paper I am writing. I picked up an edited collection of Melanie Klein's work and was struck by what I read.  In Notes on Some Schizoid Mechanisms (1946) she hypothesizes about object relations, "the first object being the mother's breast which to the child becomes split into a good (gratifying) and bad (frustrating) breast; this splitting results in a severance of love and hate."(Mitchell 1991: 176) She goes on to discuss how this relates splitting of the ego which occurs through projection and introjection. Without getting bogged down into all the psychoanalytic mumbo jumbo Klein looks at the infant's oral libido and how it has aggressive impulses and connects this back to the relationship with the breast. This caused me to remember a video that I took of my little cupcake when she was messing around with an old plastic nipple she found in a drawer. For your viewing pleasure I have added a video to illustrate. Note how she occasionally pauses to clench the nipple in her teeth. Perhaps this is what Klein was talking about? :) 

 

Attack of the Chompers

It is all very exciting when those first new teeth appear.  My daughter's first teeth appeared at 10 month in early December. I remember talking to a woman in the queue at Tesco about teeth sometime before then. She told me in her culture they believe that the late arrival of teeth signals that the child will have good strong teeth. I thought to myself, cool this might be a good sign! Well this was tested recently. As I peered into my little one's mouth while she was sleeping I nearly had a heart attack. The front right tooth was chipped. Now I have a thing about teeth. As a kid I had a pretty serious overbite - we're not talking Freddy Mercury - but I wore braces for 6 years plus head gear and neck gear (no never to school) and then I had several retainers etc. Well it turns out there was an 'accident' when my husband was minding her but he didn't think anything had happened. It took nearly a month for me to get the hang of nursing with teeth. Now I have a very sharp tooth digging into me. Also she has started to bite a little bit and it seems to be happening more when we are nursing in the mornings. ow! Peering into her mouth yesterday I realized that 5 and 6 are on their way. I really hope this doesn't mean mommy will be experiencing a shark attack anytime soon.